Hand Shakers Review — Um, Lewd?

Apparently anime has upgraded the effects of hand holding from pregnancy to orgasm.

  • While I never ignore an anime just because a production studio I have a history with set my house on fire and pissed on the ashes, not even Mahatma Gandhi would be able to forgive or overlook the crimes that Go Hands have committed against the very notion of animation itself. Their visuals are awful. Their storytelling is awful. And if anything, they’ve been getting even worse over time, if the first episode of Hand Shakers is anything to go by.
  • I’m not exaggerating when I say that this series’ premiere is a solid 1/10 no matter how you look at it. And there’s only one way to do that: by having your eyes burned as all beauty in the world is forever tainted. The CG, filters, and pretty much everything that technically falls under the definition of animation in this show was so bad that I’m pretty sure watching the Porygon episode from Pokemon would been less of a mistake. I don’t usually use “trying too hard” as a form of criticism because at least the effort is there, but when actual physical effects can be felt as a result of trying too hard, you might as well try to defend anything that comes out of Sean Spicer’s fucking mouth.
  • Fortunately, the rest of the show doesn’t try nearly as hard to impress us with the visuals and the look becomes easier to laugh at without burning our retinas. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said about everything else.

How can anyone look at these colors and think it’s suitable for broadcasting?

  • The premise of Hand Shakers is basically a simple boy meets fantasy girl and gets powers from holding her hands plot. Yeah I’m not sure what’s up with Japan and their fascination with hand-holding either, but who am I to argue with a country who takes pride in selling games that consist of nothing but pressing a button with the occasional still image of hardcore fucking to keep you motivated? Anyways, after this discovery of superpowers born from chaste love, a new world called the Ziggurat appears and it’s revealed that there are several other people with hand-holding powers in Japan as well, locked in a competition to confront God.
  • No, I’m not kidding. Confronting God. That’s the main plot thrust for everything that happens in Hand Shakers, and you’ll be excused for not remember that after the first two episodes, because the show keeps sidetracking itself away from the main plot in order to focus on big-boobed girls expressing their shotacon complexes like a masochist or a bunch of sci-fi mumble jumble that’s on the same level as Chaos;Child’s in terms of incomprehensibility.
  • Hand Shakers plays out like a poor man’s Guilty Crown combined with an even poorer man’s Devil Survivor. And I mean really poor. On top of the poor visuals, the chief failing of Hand Shaker’s narrative is that it’s trying to be too many different anime genres at once to the point that not a single element shines.

I know what card game I won’t be trying anytime soon

  • There’s an episode focused on card games that we spend way too long describing, only for it to never get used again after the team behind said card games is defeated. There’s an episode focused on the idol industry that basically says how fake it is very casually before throwing that plot point under a bus. There’s a school festival episode that adds fuck all to the plot and only exists because the creators felt it was mandatory to have one. And then there’s the final few episodes, which involves a lost sister and God being so ill-defined that he makes the one in Tanya: The Saga of Evil look like the true Old Testament interpretation.
  • Not only are the combination of these different plot points incredibly poor, but they all suck individually as well since there’s no drive or characterization going into making them unique. The main dude is incredibly reactionary. The main female is basically Inori if she wasn’t funny. The characters surrounding them fare slightly better, but they’re also pretty forgettable too with motivations that try too hard with less than stellar details in regards to their personal arcs. And it doesn’t exactly help that the character designs are so ugly that it’s hard to see them as anything other than malformed demons that you want to put down in order to end their miserable existence.
  • So if the story is not good, the characters are not good, and the animation is mildly hilarious only 5% of the time and atrociously awful the other 95%, what exactly should we remember Hand Shakers for other than another shitty GoHands anime? Well I guess I could say that the idea itself is a bit retarded as a concept, so even if it wasn’t the idiots who made Coppelion behind it, you would be hard-pressed to make something worthwhile.

Holding hands gives you the power to actually cook in the above position without cutting yourself in this show too

  • I mean superpowers through the power of love? Eureka Seven and arguably Kemonozume are the closest shows I can think of to pulling that shit off, but they weren’t exactly doing an A-game job of it to begin with. And those shows were more than ten years ago, so the chances of those same techniques succeeding again are nearly moot.
  • Every now and then I’d see something potentially interesting with the concept that Hand Shakers runs into like how the superpower thing is a metaphor for how humans need connections to survive and such. But then I’m reminded of Kiznaiver and how that fucked up the whole idea, causing me to return to Earth with more frustration at the anime industry for aiming the majority of their content at twelve-year olds. I’m not saying the idea can’t turn out something worthwhile. But it’s never going to happen if the only thing that adult writers seem to understand about teenagers is that they angst a lot.
  • And honestly, that’s just one of the many failings that makes Hand Shakers a waste of time in general. Listing the other ninety-billion is more trouble than it’s worth, and frankly I don’t see why I need to go to that much effort for an anime that I’m having difficulty caring about even whilst I write this review, and most other people have already forgotten existed.

Even the bunny girls look ugly in this. This show ruined bunny girls!

  • That’s what makes Hand Shakers a huge waste of time even by the standards of bad anime. Don’t bother trying to see the “appeal” as of now if you’re curious about all those high-larious gifs you saw on Twitter. That ship has sailed, and any attempt to board it will just leave you looking like a wet willy.

Minor Quips

  • Just got Akiba’s Trip to review and I’m finally done with the Winter 2017 anime.
  • Well, besides one more post I have planned for Scum’s Wish, I mean.
  • Apologies for the many typos on this review. Well, moreso than usual I mean.

7 responses to “Hand Shakers Review — Um, Lewd?

  1. I don’t think the concept of God in Tanya is in itself confused at all. It’s Tanya that makes it such with all her “Being X” nonsense, but that’s just because of course she can’t just admit that the universe is ruled by a cruel, sadistic, narcissistic jerk who, worse of all, *does not agree with her worldview*.

    • I don’t recall saying anything about the God in Tanya being confused. I said Hand Shaker’s interpretation of him makes the one in Tanya seem like the true dick-ish God you read about in the Old Testament. Or alternatively see in those Shin Megami Tensei games.

      • I thought you meant “this is so confused it looks this other one look simple by comparison”, which would imply the latter is confused too, just not as much. My bad.

  2. Having so through the entire mess that was Hand Shakers, I can’t argue with any of your points. The few concepts that seemed like they might be interesting early on just kept getting shoved to the side or were never addressed and the story just bounces between ideas that don’t actually contribute anything of meaning until we have a final battle that makes even less sense. And for a show that devotes large portions of episodes to characters explaining things, very little ever gets explained. Wow, I really hated this anime.

  3. Pingback: In Case You Missed It | 100WordAnime

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