Hate hate hate it so much.
This has not been a really good week for me. Nothing catastrophic or “presidential debate”-levels of humiliating, but it was just so boring. Work was really slow. I found myself unable to write first impressions posts on any of the new anime this season because they were either too insubstantial to talk about succinctly or just more of the same. It turns out that the Twin Peaks DVDs I bought last year were borked, and I didn’t need to buy them in the first place since the show was on Netflix and I failed to check when I initially got them, thus wasting sixty dollars. And as for the anime I had planned for review this week, I’m having a hard time even thinking about it let alone writing about it. Why? Because it’s an anime that’s so dumb. So uninspired. So”why the fuck did I watch all of this” that you could just post a Youtube video of me staring at the ceiling for an hour and it’d be more entertaining to think about. What anime am I talking about, you might ask? Well it’s in the fucking title of this post, so why should I waste energy naming it?
I literally got dumber watching Production IMS’s latest abortion that somehow survived the procedure and got put on broadcast TV. It has no interesting characters. No interesting story. Even the fucking…”fucking” that the show sells its reputation on is so half-assed and balls-less that the most curious of pre-pubescent boys would have their dicks go limp within ten seconds of watching it. Honestly, I’d be better off reviewing anything else other than this show at the moment, but I know that if I don’t do this now, I’ll never do it later. And fuck me (actually don’t), I’m not letting the four hours I spent on Masou Gakuen HxH go to waste.
Masou Gakuen HxH is a light novel adaptation about a bunch of scantily clad mecha-using female warriors fighting a bunch of other scantily clad mecha-using female warriors from another dimension…yes this is a light novel adaptation, why do you ask? Oh you thought it was a hentai game adaptation? Pft, when was the last time those things showed up? Anyways, continuing on from that self-inflicted interruption, the show is about these female warriors fighting each other for a reason that isn’t really elaborated on because why should plot matter in an anime about underage girls fighting with their tits hanging out, with the good guy side having that one lone male who makes you question which side you’re supposed to be rooting for because he’s a dick and every being with an extra X chromosome falls for him anyways no matter what side they’re on? Oh yeah, and these mecha suits are powered by sexual lust for some reason, thus this one guy must charge up these females’ fighting energy by giving them orgasms. And whilst females in hentai can get orgasms very easily, I think the producers of this show had some sort of internal bet in regards to how little a man has to do before getting his woman wet. Because the only sex moves that show up in this thing are boob groping, dry humping, and what I can only assume are cowgirl positions that came out of a book called “How To Pretend To Have Sex For Dummies”, and yet these girls react to them like they’re in a Takaoka Motofumi doujin.
If you’ve seen one shitty harem light novel adaptation, you’ve seen them all, and putting in “animated sex” that’d embarrass a shitty flash adaptation adds pretty much nothing to the formula other than more shame, and it’s not even enough shame to be noteworthy. There’s a bit of paraphrasing going on in the previous paragraph, but otherwise that’s pretty much the entire show. Guy gets stuck in an all-girl section of what passes for military in anime world and proceeds to toy with their emotions whilst dealing with a paint-by-the-numbers plot that even a machine by Professor Frink from The Simpsons would have been embarassed to churn out. And I didn’t make that Takaoka Motofumi reference lightly. If you’ve never read any of his doujins, they generally consist of asshole males with bad haircuts raping females that are either big busted housewives pretending to be high schoolers or twelve-year old lolis with nipples so perky you could cut glass with them all in the name of “love”. As such, no one is spared. Except for the sister I guess, but after seeing who gets laid in this show, you’d wish the main dude had gone the incest route instead.
The reason I stuck with this show was because it seemed like it’d be a bit raunchier than the average LN series. I mean its very first scene depicted a girl taking it up the butt, which caused me to think that maybe this trash was at least going to be a little tongue-in-cheek regarding the light novel craze the way people thought that godawful Who Is Imouto anime was going to play out before it actually started taking itself seriously and turned the kinda funny stalker angle into the shittiest mystery on the planet. Even if the end result was destined to be shit, maybe it won’t be that mediocre/middle-of-the-ground shit I hate so much because there’s nothing to say other than it’s boring. No such luck I’m afraid, because after the first episode, the show reveals that the main females are whiny tsunderes who don’t know what the fuck they want whilst the main dude…um, actually he doesn’t have any problems with feeling up his childhood friend and their little sister, so maybe I got a little more of my wish than I thought.
In addition to the repetitiveness of the sex moves, very little actual nudity is really shown until late in the game, and that’s assuming you’re watching the AT-X version rather than the laughably censored Crunchyroll version. And it always tries to be coy about it even when it does show up to the point that calling out someone else’s name during intercourse would be less of a turn-off. I know it sells and all, but I think Production IMS missed a few memos when they decided to become a fanservice studio, because there are a few things you have to keep in mind with porn assuming you’re a teenage boy or lesbian who wants to please their frustrated libido without having to pay for it like a loser. One, most porn is absolute shit. I remember when I was introduced to my first porn site and trying to find something that was actually arousing was like trying to find a hot woman in a nude beach that’s not in Central America. Two, most successful porn are executed with characters that have confidence, and the only confidence you can expect out of light novel stereotypes are the wishy-washy kind that get mad at their men for interacting with women who have every right to do so on account of them not being “girls”. Three, your anime is on broadcast TV. Even with the horrible censors, you can’t actually show stuff with real balls, let alone real balls. Four, just because you’re making smut doesn’t mean it has to be low-budget. Get some goddamn money rolling into your products, dudes.
The show gets particularly shitty in the final few episodes where the loli joins the fray for absolutely no reason whatsoever other than because the show felt like it wasn’t pedo enough and decided it might as well go the extra mile. I have a few companions online who like watching this sort of perverted trash, and they all agreed that the show went too far when she got involved. Better not introduce them to the doujin series, Rapiere. They’d probably set themselves on fire if they saw just how low a female version of The Three Musketeers could sink. See, for a show that sells itself on using sex as a weapon, I was expecting something on the level of Sausage Party or Dororon Meera Mera Enma-kun where the big evil is defeated by a giant orgy and the main dude’s sexual prowess is so powerful that he ends up getting every female in the world to leak sweat just by his mere aura, including the big evil. But no, the show ends with a bunch of poorly done action scenes followed by the main dude holding hands with the white-haired girl, who I think is supposed to be the main female lead, but the show doesn’t do a good job of convincing me on that front for reasons I’m not going to get into because you don’t care. Talk about a show that climaxed too early, huh?
Masou Gakuen HxH wanted to prove to the world that it had a big dick, so it took a bunch of forbidden substances to give off the illusion that it could stand alongside the “manly” anime, only to end up getting too overexcited to the point that it blew its load early and ended up pretty pointless the rest of the way through. Its animation was flaccid, its characters limp, its comedy plain sucked, and what passes for sex and a plot just hurts to think about. Can’t really see much of anything to recommend about the show. Even a heavily censored hentai on Youtube would be more exciting to watch, if only because there’s a certain absurd humor to be found in how only ten percent of the screen is actually visible whilst the other ninety percent is so blurry you’d have better visibility watching the real thing underwater.
- Word of advice: if a female ever says she’s experiencing orgasm on a first time, she either doesn’t know what an orgasm is or she’s lying.
- I might have gotten a few details wrong in this review, but to anyone who tries to correct, you care way more about this show than you should.
- I’ll try to write something on the more interesting shows sometime this weekend.