Captain America: Civil War Review — Aunt MILF Gives Us The Best On-Screen Spiderman

And that’s pretty much all the praise you’re getting from me in regards to this film.

Summer movie season is upon us and we’re starting off with a Marvel film. Because of course we are. Every other Avengers movie was the first to come out during their respective years and despite the fact that it’s billed as a Captain America entry, you can’t just watch the other Captain America movies in the canon in order to get to speed on everything that happens in Civil War. Otherwise, you wouldn’t know who Scarlett Witch or Vision or even War Machine is – and incidentally, didn’t War Machine change his suit to be red, white, and blue in Iron Man 3? What, did he come to the same opinion I did that the look was kinda retarded and change back in-between films? For a series of films that’s so big on continuity, it’s weird that that aspect gets overlooked.

The movie is a direct sequel to The Winter Soldier, although canon-wise it really follows last year’s Ant-Man. Whilst partaking in one of their standard heroics, Scarlett Witch accidentally causes a bunch of people to get killed, causing the government to put more restrictions on the superheroes in a way that agrees with Tony Stark due his experiences with Ultron, but not the good old Cap because as we all know by now, the government hasn’t exactly been very helpful in the other Marvel films so why the hell would they be helpful now? What is Scarlett Witch’s opinion you may ask? She doesn’t really get one, but she ends up being locked in an apartment complex by Vision (no, I’m not going to bother explaining who these characters are to you people who bailed from this universe long ago) so it’s not exactly that hard to infer. Meanwhile, Bucky the Winter Soldier is still on the loose and thanks to the manipulations made by some random guy I’m not even going to dwell on because the movie sure doesn’t, he ends up causing a lot of trouble that forces Steve to defend his childhood friend against his new friends and a new superhero and a lot of other chaos that I won’t spoil.

I’m pretty sure most of you know from the marketing that the movie’s big draw is the conflict between Iron Man and Captain America, along with the other heroes who join their sides, so you’re probably wondering if it lives up to the hype. Well if the idea alone excites you then probably, but boy are the circumstances a letdown. Until said fight occurs, Iron Man and Captain America barely interact throughout the film, and it’s not like there was much bickering between them in the previous Avengers stuff so the clash of ideals ends up getting very underdeveloped. I think the Captain spends more time with Black Panther and Stark spends more time with Spiderman than they did with each other pre-battle. Oh yeah, you probably also know from the marketing that Black Panther is in the film despite never getting his own introductory story and Civil War not telling me who he is so I have no reason to care about his quest for vengeance when his father of five seconds is killed off. I don’t even know who he is as his own character. I’ve never read a Black Panther comic book. If you’re not going to make your film newbie-friendly to those who never watched Ant-Man last year Disney, only make it impenetrable to the people who only know Marvel through your cinematic films.

Speaking of which, despite the film not really telling me who Black Panther is and not really giving him an important role in the plot besides another hero to oppose the Captain, they sure give him a lot of screen time. Hell, none of the heroes besides Stark and Cap (and arguably Black Widow) have any importance to anything going on and yet large chunks of the movie are focused on their antics. Ant-Man is literally driven in just so he can turn giant and give us the only interesting setpiece in the movie. Vision is fucking useless and only exists just to banter with Scarlett Witch. Hawkeye comes out of nowhere. And as much as I love Spiderman, the only reason he’s in this movie is so people can forget his other films whilst teasing the new film franchise where Aunt May is hotter than Mary Jane. There is some attempt to give them some lasting impact, but…ugh…this is gonna be difficult to do without spoilers, isn’t it? The attempts to lend weight to their roles in the plot fail because the whole “collateral damage” angle is only used as an excuse for the plot to occur rather than actually being the plot, and consequences are immediately brushed under the rug with little lasting impact, similar to when a Bleach character loses an arm but the Soul Society will fix it up in a few weeks or so.

Seriously, the stakes in this movie are so low and don’t live up to the film’s ambitions at all. When it comes time for the promised event at the airport, the heroes pretty much say out loud that they’re not going to kill each other and the reasoning for the conflict is because one team wants to protect Bucky and the other side disagrees. I was under the impression that the act was going to be a conflict of Cap’s straight justice versus Stark’s compromising one, but instead it ends up being entirely circumstantial with little personality involved and it’s really only Cap and Stark that feel that way. The other Avengers just arbitrarily agree with one of them, causing it to come off more like a sideshow event rather than an integral part of the story. Hell, Spiderman has no stakes at all, and yet he got roped in because Tony blackmailed him.

And even if you only pay attention to our two lead heroes, the movie doesn’t give the plot turns enough emotion to oppose each other in the first place. Going to get a little more spoiler-ific here, so skip to the next paragraph if you haven’t seen the movie yet or you just don’t care. There’s one final action scene between Cap and Stark after the Avengers’ sparring match – which I consider a big mistake because it felt like the movie climaxed too early which caused the last act to feel like an overly-long epilogue even without the post-credits scenes – and it’s caused because Stark realizes Bucky was involved in an event that was very dear to him and Cap disagrees with his plans after the truth is revealed. Not because of differences that were building up over time. Not because of something either character did. Stark doesn’t even hold on to his previous philosophy whilst blasting the Captain’s shield. It’s all because one of the side characters caused wrong to one of the main characters and just happened to be friends with one of the other main characters. What kind of fucking cheap reason for the final conflict is that?!

But hey, how about that action, huh? Well you remember how Winter Soldier’s punches and kicks were shot so close to the camera that you couldn’t see what was going on because some jack-off with a brain hemorrhage got it into his head that filming the impacts from that distance gives the viewer a sense of adrenaline when in reality it just gives me a headache? Well the Russo Brothers decided the best way to fix that problem was to film the action extremely close to the camera whilst shaking it the entire time, so I guess they watched Furious 7 in-between this film’s production. What is the point of having Black Widow take names or Spiderman swinging around or having the entire Iron Man v. Captain America fight scene in general if you can’t even see it properly? And why are you shaking the camera during some of the far-away shots as well as scenes where the characters just throw a simple punch? Yeah, because Commando would have been so much better if it had been directed by a monkey.

I could go on about the other issues that cropped up through this ridiculously long movie, but broadly speaking, I didn’t like Civil War because it’s just another Avengers film. More characters in ridiculous-looking outfits with little purpose in the overarching narrative. More shitty villains who’re about as threatening as an Internet troll with their typing fingers cut off. More character quips and formulaic set pieces at the expense of story. And just being nothing but setup for the next phase of this franchise in general. When your positive reviews flat-out admit that it only works because there were more than ten other movies to get you invested (seriously, we’re using that as a compliment now?) and doesn’t bother to try and evolve the formula in any way aka the quickest road towards mediocrity I’ve ever seen, that’s a sign that something has gone horribly wrong and it will continue to be horribly wrong until we stop praising the Sun Lord and start demanding something better. Or something much worse. Hey, at least it’d have impact if these films ended up going all Plan 9 From Outer Space on us.

Which of course, will never happen. But hey, as long as Disney just keeps this shitty practice to their Marvel stuff, I guess I could let the fanboys have their fun and shift my attention to a franchise I do enjoy…

…fuck Hollywood.

Minor Quips

  • Mind you, with what the early reviews say of the new X-Men film, I’m probably being too harsh on Civil War’s faults.
  • They even rehash the whole “Captain America falls in love with the descendant of his former lover” trope from that awful 90s film, except there’s actually tongue involved this time.
  • I took a look at my Facebook and yup, all my friends and family loved this thing.
  • Okay, I remember seeing a little of Black Panther in the few episodes I watched of that Avengers Assemble cartoon, but all I know from that is that he’s a superhero from Africa, which doesn’t tell me anything.

8 responses to “Captain America: Civil War Review — Aunt MILF Gives Us The Best On-Screen Spiderman

  1. Those action scenes gave me a headache too, but they’ll never change the way they film that in these movies

  2. Wow, you are really grasping at straws to talk shit about Civil War. I mean, your criticisms just do not correspond to what happened in the film.

    “thanks to the manipulations made by some random guy I’m not even going to dwell on because the movie sure doesn’t”

    Yeah, a random guy who succeeds in his plan to tear apart the Avengers, who has a clear motivation to do so. Considering that he is the embodiment of vengeance and consequences which are the central themes of the film, yeah the film does in fact dwell on him. In fact, he is one of the best villains because he subverts every complaint made about the other MCU villains.

    “Iron Man and Captain America barely interact throughout the film”

    Let’s see. Let’s ignore for a second the fact they have interacted in the past films (and yes, they have bickered in both Avengers films) which renders this moot. Arguing about the accords. Check. Tony accosting Cap after Bucky is arrested. Check. Tony almost getting Cap to sign. Check. Airport scene. Check. Final act. Check. Safe to say that is plenty of interaction.

    “The attempts to lend weight to their roles in the plot fail because the whole “collateral damage” angle is only used as an excuse for the plot to occur rather than actually being the plot, and consequences are immediately brushed under the rug with little lasting impact”

    That is literally the opposite of what happened. Yeah, that IS the plot. It’s what drives everything. It’s like you didn’t pay attention to the film. Every character, even the villain, ties into the theme of consequences.

    “the heroes pretty much say out loud that they’re not going to kill each other”

    Because that’s what it isn’t about.

    “What kind of fucking cheap reason for the final conflict is that?!”

    It wasn’t cheap. Not even close. What the fuck are you talking about? You’re upset that Cap and Tony fought because of personal reasons. The fuck? That was a hell of a good reason for the final conflict. It’s a personal fight. You must have missed the part where Cap knew about it and where Tony is trying to kill his friend. It was a catalyst for the fight that this all led to. That it was building towards.

    “film the action extremely close to the camera whilst shaking it the entire time”

    Yeah, that is not true at all. The only “shaky” parts (it’s not shaky cam btw nor does it have choppy edits) were in the first 30 minutes and then are cleaned for the rest of the film. Even then, you can still clearly see the action and choreography. So any complaint about shaky cam are overblown. The airport scene alone refutes that. It being one of the greatest action scenes in a comic book film and maybe even in all of film history being the result.

    “I didn’t like Civil War because it’s just another Avengers film”

    No it isn’t. It’s focus is on Cap and Bucky. This is a Captain America film through and through. You’re only saying that because it features several Avengers in supporting roles. Considering that there isn’t a final fight so that all the Avengers fight a main villain, I’d say you’re wrong.

    “More character quips and formulaic set pieces at the expense of story.”

    Quips were where they needed to be and belonged to pretty much Tony, Ant-Man, and Spider-man which are in their characters, so….nope. And there was no expense of story. The story is why Civil War is being praised, fyi.

    “When your positive reviews flat-out admit that it only works because there were more than ten other movies ”

    One, most of them don’t say that. Two, you do know having established characters that we actually care about is a good thing, right? Which makes all this work.

    “And just being nothing but setup for the next phase of this franchise in general.”

    Yeah, no. This is the apex (aside from Infinity War) of what the MCU has been building to. And which is a massive success.

    “doesn’t bother to try and evolve the formula in any way aka the quickest road towards mediocrity I’ve ever seen, that’s a sign that something has gone horribly wrong and it will continue to be horribly wrong”

    Well, there is no formula for one thing. And nothing has gone wrong, whatsoever. When Civil War is being almost universally praised as a great film and one that might be one of the best comic book movies of all time, everything is going right.
    I think you meant that line for the DCEU.

    I could go on and on throught the bullshit, but I’d be here forever. There is a reason why everyone you know likes it.

    Civil War succeeds at everything that made BvS a failure.

    • You really like Civil War way too much if you consider the action scenes the best in film history. You don’t even have to look beyond the same company to find better action. Those Blade movies are Marvel films last I checked and the action was pretty sweet in those.

      • Eh,those Blade fights were pretty bad looking back. It’s just stuntmen running aimlessly at Snipes; it was pretty stiff stuff (on top of having no emotion to it and being mixed with poorly rendered CG).

      • I know, but there’s something about one person beating up a bunch of one-off stuntmen so one-sidedly that I find hilarious. The actual 1-1 fights I don’t remember, but I’d be surprised if they weren’t shot better than the final confrontation in Civil War. I mean at least you can see the action clearly in those movies.

        Can’t speak about the emotions, as Blade was never really more than a Wesley Snipes action film under the guise of a Marvel one. I like it for that sort of camp, but style is a subjective thing, even by the usual standards of personal opinion.