Freedom from this godawful anime at last!
I know we’ve all made fun of light novel names over the years, but I don’t think anyone could have figured that one of the very few short ones would end up being the most reliable goldmine in terms of naming humor in quite a while. Within an hour of its airing, most people I pay attention to kept making hilari-dumb tweets such as “dropping Heavy Object because I don’t even lift” and “not even bothering to pick Heavy Object up because it looks too big for me”, and it never ceased to be funny. One wonders why we didn’t come up with this joke before airing considering how obvious it is in retrospect. Guess we were too busy looking at the girls’ massive bosoms and connecting the unfortunate name to them.
Now I’m a guy who’ll watch anything as long as it looks interesting, regardless of quality. And in Heavy Object’s case, I picked it up solely for the opportunity to exploit its name because I’m not mature enough to let such a childish goldmine slide past me. Unfortunately, it’s been more than six months since the show’s initial airing and by now, every other person who was also stupid enough to stick with this show has dug up every fleck of yellow sparkle in the thing, leaving me with little fresh material. As such, the only way I can proceed forward with my intended goal in regards to this awful anime is to put on a straight face and use these name-jokes ironically by pointing out its overuse and then using them anyways. Already did the first part and I’m going to proceed with the second, so let’s start right now by saying Heavy Object is truth in advertising because it’s a pretty heavy anime alright. Heavy in bullshit that is!
Heavy Object comes to us from the creators of Index/Railgun, which I don’t remember a thing about aside from Touma punching nuns, so I couldn’t tell you how it compares to them other than the fact that the production values are toilet-tier with or without comparison. It’s full of horrible production choices, from the cheap-ass CG explosions to the character designs being plainer than a rocking chair in a nursery home. The main characters are pretty bland as well. Qwenthur Barbotage and Havia Winchell are two male soldiers who received recognition for doing the impossible and destroying an elite war machine called an Object with their own ingenuity aka dumb luck and plot convenience. This causes people to realize that Objects are less effective than Metal Gears in terms of invincibility and as such, the duo are sent on a string of dangerous missions by their commanding officers hoping that lightning can strike twice. Because this is a two-cour show based on an ongoing light novel series with no end in sight, the lightning strikes about five times throughout Heavy Object’s run, each time more contrived than the last. But considering the situations are in of themselves contrived, it all balances out I guess.
The problem with our leads is that they have as much charisma as Pauly Shore and Steven Baldwin from Biodome. Everything that happens to them is completely situational, and when they’re not doing their soldier duty, they’re either reading porno mags or groping their superior officers. Not that it helps that said superior dresses like a stripper trying to pose as an officer, and the camera takes every opportunity to pan all over her own “heavy objects” even when she’s on the battlefield. But I feel something has gone horribly wrong when the only thing you can remember about each arc after it’s finished is what fetish the writer crowbarred in this time. There’s also this little girl named Milinda who is pretty much the opposite in terms of fetish design, but if you think this show is above what looks to be a little girl taking every opportunity to strip down, then you don’t know JC Staff. And no, none of the females are any better than our male leads in terms of likability. They’re just not stupid enough to the point that you’d want to punch them, then drill holes in their heads before turning it on yourself.
As is usual for what passes for writing in light novel world, Heavy Object is a load of heavy plot without any actual story to support viewers when they pick it up. There are several episodes – usually at the start of a new arc – that consist of nothing but exposition and the male leads trying to import some foreign porn. Not exactly something that I want to carry around, is it? And the missions themselves are completely throwaway, not amounting to anything but visual junk food that never changes that status quo and isn’t even exciting to watch due to the horrible direction and the obviously pandering fetish fuel. None of the military stuff even remotely resembles real life, and if this is supposed to be a satire regarding the future of government weapons, whatever it’s trying to say about them is completely lost on me. At one point, the characters run into a military unit consisting of nothing but female soldiers dressed in maid uniforms for a reason that I honestly can’t remember and refuse to look up because the outfits are never relevant to the plot and neither are those soldiers for that matter. We all know the only reason it exists was just so that we could have maid fanservice in this anime, so really who cares? And it’s the fact that no one does that exemplifies just how completely pointless anything that happens in Heavy Object is.
Speaking of female soldiers, there sure are a lot of them holding important positions in a primarily male-dominated profession, aren’t there? Every single arc seems to have at least one new girl for the characters to interact with, and I can’t remember a single important supporting cast member with a Y chromosome that didn’t look like he belonged right at home in an NTR hentai. You could say it’s a progressive choice, but given how most of the females have to be supported by men who aren’t exactly General Patton in terms of intimidating in order to do anything, along with the fact that I don’t exactly see the males wearing uniforms with their chests hanging out, you’d have a hard time convincing me or 99% of the human population that that is true. It’s just bland, light novel, reverse feminism bullshit of giving the females powerful positions and removing what made them so powerful in the first place to the point that you might as well have not bothered.
And that’s what Heavy Bullshit is at the end of the day. Bland. Invisible. Toothless. Castrated. Completely fucking stupid. So full of nothing but heavy crap that made my thinking muscles sore after holding onto it for so long. There’s no story, there’s no character development, there’s no overall progression, and the production is so lazy it makes a Snorlax look energetic. My advice to you? Don’t even bother picking it up. There are much better ways to work out that don’t involve the risk of dropping a heavy object right on your foot and causing permanent damage.
- Honestly, who cares about Index/Railgun anymore?
- Looking forward to reviewing something that’s not a light novel adaptation sometime.