Chaos Dragon Review — Just Shoot Me

Thank god I skipped over Aquarion Logos when it aired. I think watching two shows with this magnitude of suck would cause my brains to melt out of my ears.

I don’t think anybody really thought for even a second that Chaos Dragon was actually going to be good when they saw the team attached to the project. Interesting, maybe. Fun to joke about. But definitely not good. I mean anime in general has always been worse in regards to the kitchen sink approach than Hollywood films and AAA video games, and considering that the only thing these supposed “talented” people like Ryogho Narita and Gen Urobuchi contributed to this project was making up the characters whilst leaving the story writing to a guy who’s written nothing but black holes since the 80s – and before you say anything, yes I’m aware Sho Aikawa adapted the original FMA series and Un-Go as well – you’re pretty much getting the series equivalent of a movie starring all your favorite actors under the direction of Seth McFarlane. And whilst I haven’t seen any of his post-Ted films, I’m pretty sure that jackass never screwed up this badly.

My point is, are fans of Nasu, Buchi, and Narita so blindly devoted to them that they’ll watch fucking anything that has their names attached even when it’s clear they’re not involved in any major way? Especially since even before this show aired, all three of them had their reputations tank only slightly less harder than Bill Cosby’s due to 2015 being an atrocious year for big anime names. No I’m not exaggerating here. Look at all the more well-known train wrecks that have come out so far and hang yourself on a rope with “you betrayed me” written on it when you realize that the same person who gave you the lovely Kyousogiga anime ended up churning out a shallow, badly written mess. Or that the dude who gave you that visual novel anime you all creamed your pants over has made a Jun Maeda anime that’s worse than anything Jun Maeda has ever written. And the less said about Jun Maeda himself, the better.

Yet none of them suffered as much as the names attached to Chaos Dragon – except for Naotaka Hayashi obviously – what with their shitty, badly overhyped Durarara!!x2/Unlimited Blade Works/Aldnoah Zero bullshit that didn’t so much fail to live up to the promises set by their concepts and initial episodes, so much as drove off a cliff and into an active volcano owned by a Commander Keen villain. And regardless of how little they were involved in the final result that is Chaos Dragon: The Anime, their influence sure isn’t going to increase with its existence. How bad is it? Well I’ve been trying to hold off talking about the show itself for three paragraphs and am continuing to do so now, because I’m honestly not sure what to say about other than it’s #$@%^*%&#%!&$-fucking bad. You know, the kind of bad that’s so incomprehensibly idiotic that any attempt to engage with it will just cause you to be dragged down to its level and beaten by its superior experience.

The plot is pretty simple to explain, but that’s actually its biggest problem. It’s so simple that Chaos Dragon tries to distract us from that fact by overcomplicating everything to the point that we have nothing to focus on, and when you do, you’re too embarrassed to spell it out for the audience. There’s this red dragon guarding this generic fantasy land who has gone mad, and the only one who can stop him is this royal boy who can used the dragon’s power at the cost of a beloved one’s life. He gathers a crew of RPG rejects and goes on a journey to hunt the dragon whilst trying hard not to use his power. And…that’s it. That’s literally all there is to the story with no attempt to spice it up whatsoever, unless you count the boy’s obsession with certain females that are so creepily handled I’d rather not dwell on them. Well, that’s not entirely true. Fucking up even the most basic things is kind of a spice in that it takes a specific kind of talent to do that.

I know Silver Link animation is never good, but even by those standards, Chaos Dragon looks like ass. The character designs look like something you’d find in the trash bin of a fetish shop, the action is incoherent and poorly choreographed, and…well…the visuals look like ass. When your all-powerful red dragon is basically a CG monstrosity that would fit right in with a Passione anime or the miniseries adaptation of The Langoliers, you know something has gone wrong. When you have every other visual disaster share the same screen, I speak no hyperbole when I say that watching RWBY would be less taxing on the eyes. And it’s not like the writing helps, considering it’s as fucking standard a fantasy quest as you can get, except with most of the dialogue consisting of boring exposition dump after exposition dump to the point that I would have been better off listening to a drama CD just so that only my ears would suffer pain in the process.

And take my advice, don’t even bother listening to the people who point out this show’s “good points” or even watch it out of curiosity sakes because I watched it for the latter and I can tell you that the former is a big fat lie. Chaos Dragon is not, and I can’t stress this enough, NOT the least bit memorable in its badness at all. Very little actually happens in the show proper, and whatever does happen is buried under what I can only describe as the anime version of a dull repetitive cover-based shooter. I know some people got enjoyment out of pretending that Urobuchi’s character likes to grab people’s boobs, but I wouldn’t even know which character he’d written if I didn’t look it up on Wikipedia. And any anime that requires outside knowledge you couldn’t possibly get from the show proper to understand seriously needs to go into the corner and think about what it’s done. Besides, I don’t watch Risky Business to see Tom Cruise trying to play a high school student (well, not just because of that anyways).

So in case you didn’t understand all that, no I don’t recommend Chaos Dragon at all. In fact, it’s one of the few anime where I’d go so far as to say you’re wrong for liking it, which is no mean feat given how little I care for what the fanbase thinks. It’d at least be better than that shitty Arslan adaptation if it wasn’t for its utter disinterest in trying to entertain people, which makes me wonder, why was anyone even interested in making a public spectacle out of the D&D games that certain industry people do in their spare time anyways? How exactly is that sort of thing appealing to anyone not within the circle? Might as well introduce the Yu-Gi-Oh card game to the homeless whilst you’re at it. Chances are one of them has an interest in foreign card games that he can use to win big and get out of his sorry state.

PS: Is it just me, or are the anime I’m reviewing getting worse and worse with each passing week?

PPS: I should probably review something I enjoy soon, huh?

4 responses to “Chaos Dragon Review — Just Shoot Me

  1. Is there any other project where multiple big name anime writers get together? I can’t think of any. Of course I don’t count episodic stuffs like Space Dandy.

    Nasu’s reputation is the same, by the way. It just that more people get to experience his awful writing, while the fanbase still worship their Type Moon god.

  2. I think 2015 has been the worst year for anime in quite some time – possibly since 2005. I’ve only enjoyed about two shows in each season, whereas in previous years there were usually about four to five. Death Parade is my top show of 2015, and I know you enjoyed it as well so I would be very grateful if you reviewed it.