Porno Watch: Crimson Wolf

Blood, guts, and sexy times. Is that an ultraviolent OVA I spot?

Out of all the weird-ass OVAs that made up the bulk of anime during the 80s and 90s, Crimson Wolf was one of them. Just “one of them”. And that says a lot considering how fucking weird this hour-long romp will come off to your mother who doesn’t understand your gaijin hobbies if you showed her this. She’ll probably take a look at all the old Disney and Pixar movies that the two of you watched together as you were growing up and say “where did I go wrong?” To which I would say if I was in said hypothetical situation, “first off Mom, I could have been a lot worse off. Believe me. Second, Crimson Wolf blows. I don’t even know why I showed you it.”

It’s nowhere near the level of MD Geist or Violence Jack in terms of unwatchability, but you know your anime is doomed for failure when its MAL description has this little nugget:

Crimson Wolf is an unusual departure for the Anime genre – rooted in real world reference, it makes the fantasy all the more believeable. – MyAnimeList

When was that description written? 1979?! Also, do you know what an anime rooting its plot elements in reference to real world mythology means nowadays? It means an annoying boob-string meme that has become the equivalent of YOLO in terms of catching on so much to the point that it causes people to do stupid shit. Nothing car accident-level bad, as anime doesn’t exactly have that much persuasive power over a community. Something Kanon found out the hard way.

But I digress. Let’s get to actually talking about this piece of shit. Also, I’m using the dubbed version on Youtube to write this, so if there are times when I miss a nuance or something because I wasn’t watching it the right way…keep in mind you’d be defending Crimson Wolf if you told me.

The OVA opens with three explorers entering some sacred tomb in Mongolia where they meet the spirit of Genghis Khan, who responds to their intrusion by shooting three arrows into the sky. Somehow this causes the temple to start collapsing, and as the explorers escape, Khan informs them that in a thousand days, their world will be subjugated to evil although it’s not really clear whether awakening him was the cause or it was just doomed to happen from the get-go. However, there is hope in the three arrows he fired, each of which hit a specific individual without killing them in order to indicate their status as a chosen warrior who can prevent said disaster.

Nice of you to give humanity a chance Khan, but that’s not going to stop me from using this obvious reference for being a cryptic douchebag.

Classic.

So who are these three arrow-scarred warriors you may ask?

Well, there’s this guy.

Then there’s this guy.

And then there’s this fine lady.

Oh and speaking of her, I’m pretty damn sure the only reason she has an arrow scar on this part of her body was so the animators could have a cheeky excuse to constantly show her without panties throughout large chunks of the run-time. Although, that doesn’t even begin to justify why she’s also constantly not wearing a shirt and/or bra as well. Hell, there’s even a point in the anime when she is given clothing after having a (relatively long) discussion with the other two guys in the nude, only to lose them again five minutes later after a car chase scene with a bunch of Chinese gangsters.

You know, those Digital Devil Saga games had beast marks on a woman’s boob and a woman’s ass, and you don’t see them having its characters – let alone its’ female ones – remove an ounce of clothing throughout the entire playtime¹. You just see one of the women turn into a monster with killer tits.

By the way, can you guess which of these three warriors is supposed to be the main focus of this story? Is it A) the guy who likes your typical shonen martial artist B) the female warrior of the group C) the rich-looking dude? If you guessed A), you win nothing because it’s fucking obvious that he’s the goddamn person driving this thing forward.

His name is Shin, a young skateboarder who was trained by his master to hurt people by causing their muscles to rupture with a single love-tap. Whilst the official word is that the mafia wants him dead because of his status as a chosen warrior, I’m pretty sure they just want him dead due to the fact that he can, well, rupture people’s muscles with a single love-tap! That’s definitely why they killed his master first. Didn’t want the old kook to turn more street teens into dangerous killing machines.

In his search for his master’s killers, Shin runs into the other warriors: a young office woman named Mizuho, and a rich smooth-talker named Ryuko. And despite the OVA trying to delay Ryuko’s reveal, it couldn’t have been more obvious that he’d be a chosen warrior. I mean who else were they going to use? This guy?

Yeah…no.

Unfortunately, Shin is not genre-savvy like I am and thus tries to run away from Ryuko the second Mizuho puts on some clothes. This is where we get to that car chase scene I mentioned earlier, which ends up with the two of them being thrown into a jail cell and stripped of their clothing. Although why Shin gets to keep his boxers whilst Mizuho doesn’t get to keep a goddamn thing, I dunno. Maybe the gangsters were afraid that the sight of Shin’s penis would cause their brain muscles to explode the same way their other muscles would if Shin tapped them.

Mizuho however, shares the opposite viewpoint of the gangsters and upon seeing our unconscious shonen action zero in his boxers, she decides to wake our hero up the only way she knows how.

Raping him.

To be fair, it is a proven theory that raping a sleeping dude is the opposite gender equivalent to kissing Sleeping Beauty. Still, I take much (well, even more) discomfort at the fact that Mizuho up to this point is a virgin – a fact revealed to us when blood starts dripping down her leg. Partly because I know quite a few people who’d be angry at this stupid plot turn and mostly because you’d need several brain clots in your head to even come up with this scenario in the first place!

So you might be wondering to yourself by now “does Mizuho do anything in this other than get naked and do naked things?” Um…(watches the rest of the movie)…no.

There is one time when she attacks a few zombie warriors during the final climax. And by that, I mean she uses her staff to summon up a big gust of wind that hits said warriors, who stand perfectly still and take it because they’re more retarded than the morons who green-lighted that movie starring Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara.

In other words, she accomplished what I could have done if I so much as sneezed in their direction.

I haven’t really been describing the plot to this thing because there’s really not much to say beyond these scenes I’m taking the piss out of. Someone delivers exposition and then someone fights. Someone flashbacks to ancient Chinese history and then someone fights. Someone introduces a giant machine – named Goku for some reason – that I can’t be assed to remember how it functions and then more fighting occurs. Saying it has a story is a bigger lie than saying that Rick Perry’s statement regarding the importance of the 2016 election is something to be dismissed lightly.

Even the final climax is a letdown. You’d think a showdown with three dragons – one for each hero – would be cool by default, but Crimson Wolf begs to differ. Mizuho is completely useless against her dragon (shocker) and ends up having to get saved by Ryuko. Then Ryuko is rendered completely useless, so Shin ends having to defeat all three dragons by himself after turning into a Super Saiyan thanks to the power of teamwork.

And even that’s bungled, as all he does is just charge into one of the dragons and somehow all three of them explode, not helped by the fact that the scene is shot too far away to see any real details. It’s more anticlimactic than those Lord of the Rings movies.

All in all, Crimson Wolf is just a bland relic of a bygone era that I am thankful to have never been a part of. Admittedly, it does have a little more going on than you’d think due to how Chinese culture is worked into it, but all of that goodwill is buried underneath a lame plot with lame characters, lame action, and even lame nudity in general. If I wanted to see an anime where Chinese people get to kick ass, I’d watch the Street Fighter II movie.

You said it lady.

Uh, no. I can do without Crimson Wolf: Annihilation in my life, thank you very much.

¹ Okay yes, I remember Sara being naked whenever she was introduced to the characters in both games.

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