Ani-Elitist Review: Legend of the Titanic

Title: The Legend of the Titanic
Genre: Family
Company: ITB Spain
Format: Movie; 84 minutes.
Dates: 17 Apr 1999

Synopsis: A grandfather mouse tells his grandchildren the “real” story of the Titanic disaster, including himself, evil sharks, a giant octopus, and an evil whaling scheme. He was clearly on drugs when he told this story.

Highlights

History: This movie shoots it in the balls, rapes it, mounts its head on a wall, and then throws piss-covered darts in its eyes.

Panning Shots: Way too many of them and they’re always to showcase the ugly CG-rendered ship

Villains: Why do Titanic movies need them? Isn’t the iceberg enough?

Number of Deaths: Zero. Nobody dies in this movie, even when they should!

Whales: I hope we nuke the shit out of them so we won’t get any more movies like this.

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Whilst James Cameron’s massively overrated Titanic blockbuster movie was about as manipulative and sappy as anything written by Jun Maeda, I could at least respect it for a few things. The cinematography and direction is brilliantly done. And most of all, he actually made sure that people died on the Titanic: a feat that not even this movie accomplishes with any class. That’s right, this is a Titanic movie where nobody dies. In fact, the very first few minutes of the movie establishes that fact when a grandpa mouse flat out states that the people who were said to have died on the Titanic didn’t really die on the Titanic. And it’s all downhill from there.

One of the movie’s major problems is that it has too many plotlines going on and it can’t seem to decide which one should be the main focus. There’s a plotline revolving around a woman named Elizabeth who is forced to marry a man she doesn’t love (sound familiar?), there’s a plotline revolving around the fiancee wanting to hunt the whales, there’s the plotline revolving around the talking mice, and those are just the initial plotlines. As the movie goes on, it starts introducing even more concepts and plotlines out of nowhere in a way that would make Guilty Crown cringe. Suddenly, we have humans being able to speak to animals thanks to half-assed tear logic, we have sharks that sound like Bender from Futurama working with the fiancee in order to accomplish his evil whaling schemes. Seriously, what is the focus of this movie?

What makes this even more insulting is that aside from the iceberg hitting the ship, this movie has practically nothing to do with the real Titanic disaster. And even that isn’t handled with any class. For reasons I cannot state in this review, the iceberg hits the ship because a giant dog-faced octopus that is only introduced in the third act throws it at the Titanic. And what happens next is practically the worst reinterpretation of a tragedy ever imaginable. Obviously, the fact that nobody dies is a big strike against the movie. But Quentin Tarantion’s much superior Inglorious Basterds movie has shown that tampering with history can still churn out some good social critique whilst being a good movie as well. However, Legend of the Titanic doesn’t get anywhere near that level of quality in its attempts to wring out a final climax.

Legend of the Titanic fails, not only because it shits on the lives of many people, but because it’s a bad movie in general. The story is poorly paced, the characters are one-dimensionally handled, and the morals are ham-fisted and lame. I have no idea what Italy was thinking when they made this movie, nor why they put so much effort into it (aside from the CG ship, the animation is really good). And I really have no idea why a sequel to this movie was ever made (seriously, people actually stayed in the theater when we got to the dolphins, let alone wanted more of this?). All I can say is that I cannot recommend Legend of the Titanic to history buffs, descendants of Titanic survivors, or the entire human race. Avoid at all cost!

My Real Opinion: Once you get past the shock factor, Legend of the Titanic is an awful boring mess.

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