Chinese Pornographic Cartoon Review: Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines (and every NTR ever)

Woooooooooo!

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I’ve been wanting to review an NTR hentai (other than bloody Hump Bang) for a while, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how pointless that would be. Sure there are some that I can stomach somewhat like Gakuen Shimai (it counts goddammit!), but I haven’t exactly seen one I actually liked or stood out in an interesting way besides “OMG, she eats poop!”. Of course, the same could be said for hentai in general. And before people call me a prude, no it’s not because I hate animated porn. I love me some Homunculus and Sahashi Renya doujins. Harumi Chiihiro is probably my favorite ero-mangaka despite some people thinking her sweetness is sickening. And despite having a huge hatred for Takaoka Motofumi and his really sick NTR fetishes, I admit to liking Miko Wars and Rutsubo isn’t that bad either. So yeah in theory, I should like this kind of stuff. So why don’t I?

Well, the translation from manga to anime has almost never gone well in regards to anime porn for one good reason. And that reason is best summed up when you look at that #1 song on the top 100 billboard that refuses to leave for something catchier like “Get Lucky” or ‘Treasure”, Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines”.

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Whilst a music video that’s not animated in the least, let alone Japanese, Blurred Lines is a perfect representation of all the NTR crap out there starting with the actual production itself. To put it simply, it’s abysmally cheap. The video is literally just the same background and Robin Thicke, TI, Pharrell, and a bunch of models walking around whilst the males sing. Even people who’ve never seen animated porn shouldn’t be surprised to hear that this is also true for every sex scene in a hentai, let alone the rest of the product (aka the banal dialogue and flimsy cut-and-paste story used to get to the sex scenes), because the market is so goddamn low in regards to them (keep in mind, the anime market is niche as well) and it’s much harder to put effort into moving pictures than still ones, even with a high budget. So it’s a little more justified than Blurred Lines and it’s “putting red words randomly in the video to the point that it looks like it was made by iMovie software” act, but it’s still bad to look at and the result rarely arouses you.

Despite what people might say, you need more than just tits and ass in order to make a good porn video. I remember when my friend introduced me to the stuff, and as Oyasumu Punpun was kind enough to depict in magazine format, I liked what I saw. Or at least the first video I was shown. When he showed me the second one, I was repulsed with how unarousing it was because of the low quality in practically everything done in the video from camera choreography to the awkward positions to how bloody long the actual thing was. And none of the other videos I was shown that day before we remembered that we were at a party with our parents were any good either. Yep, the first thing I was ever really critical of as a teenager was porn. And now that I’m an adult, I can safely say that the nude models in Blurred Lines are about as arousing as watching the sky turn blue.

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I’m still confused regarding why the models are suddenly nude in certain scenes of the music video and then suddenly clothed at another point. Hell, I’m confused at the editing in general considering it doesn’t seem to have a good flow to it. As for the models themselves, they are hot of course, but their hotness sure isn’t used all that effectively. It’s like someone told them to act as blank and uninterested as possible, or they learned how to be hot from the same school that taught that just saying the f-word for no reason gets a laugh (no you aspiring comedians, it does not). Not exactly the most exciting thing to watch, you know?

As for the lyrics…yeah I’m pretty sure everyone knows the controversy regarding to them. When I first heard them, it sounded like a guy trying to sweet-talk someone’s wife into unleashing her animal side and laying with him. You know, the plotline to every NTR in existence? According to an article I read, the three men are all happily married and they acted the way they did in the music video in order to be so over-the-top that you couldn’t take them all that seriously like you could with Chris Brown in any of his self-indulgence songs. Honestly, I think the better choice would have been to write a completely different song, but what do I know about the industry? Also, what’s up with that “What rhymes with hug me” lyric? It’s probably not the worst of the weird writing in that song, but it definitely stands out in how out of place it is.

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And yet despite all it’s problems, I really got into the song (not so much the music video) when it clicked into me what it was representing, even if by accident. Everything that I hated about the netorare genre in hentai anime was summed up in the music video for the reasons I described above. The cheapness. The suave males (okay most of them are usually ugly, but some of them are suave) wooing the committed females with over-the-top rapey dialogue. The weird cuts from females with clothes to females with no clothes. The laziness in their looks (but not their voices, ohohoho). The bad writing. Ironically, it was that perfect representation of what I hate sung to a funky beat that caused me to love it, whilst kind of making me wish all male protagonists in that disgusting genre would sing this song in order to conquer females. I’m weird like that.

Also, this song has wooooooooo! Most hentai, let alone the NTR ones, could use some woooooooooo!

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